Why I Do What I Don’t Want to Do: A more compassionate view of human nature
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, and it’s finally time. Buckle your seat belts, here we go!
I keep thinking about how Paul said he didn’t understand why he did what he did.
Here’s Romans 7:15 for reference: “For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled and bewildered by them]. I do not practice what I want to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate [and yielding to my human nature, my worldliness—my sinful capacity].”
And I keep thinking about how I heard sermon after sermon and bible study after bible study on this verse, and all of Romans 7-8, about our sin nature.
And I don’t get it. I keep shaking my head. Why was that our only reference for understanding human nature?
Overall, I’ve been pretty understanding and compassionate towards the Christian community I grew up in. I felt love and care from them. (And also a lot of pressure to believe in my sinful capacity, and everything else in the Bible.)
But I don’t understand, now that I have some very clear, compassionate answers to human nature from social science research (which I will get to - I promise!), why these answers were kept from me, and moreover regarded with suspicion.
Why is there so much fear of more information, of hearing other perspectives? I understand if Paul was just doing his best to make sense of human nature, but why has that been codified as the only way?
Is it from…Fear of the unknown? Fear of change? Willful ignorance? Indoctrination? Psychological abuse? Power and control? Generational trauma?
Let’s go with the generational trauma piece for a minute…
Generational & Historical Trauma
I am learning so much from Resmaa Menakem in his book My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies and I’d like to share a few excerpts with you along these lines:
“Constricted bodies, frozen attitudes, and closed minds are common side effects of racialized trauma (and trauma in general). Until this racialized trauma is addressed, changing attitudes or opening minds is largely impossible, especially on a large scale. However, once white Americans begin this all-important healing process, minds, nervous systems, attitudes, relationships, and culture can all have a little more room to grow and transform. (p.104)
“At the heart of white fragility, deeply embedded in the white body, lies the following conviction: We white people are incapable of feeling safe in the presence of Black bodies. We are also incapable of soothing our own historical dissonance with each other. We are not just physically vulnerable; we are also emotionally helpless when we are around Black bodies.”
(p.104)
“….our bodies don’t give a damn about sense. They accept whatever they feel will help them survive and stay safe. For hundreds of years, the myth has been reinforced by a second fantasy, which became the rationale for oppression and carnage: Because white bodies are so vulnerable to Black ones, when a Black body is not subservient to a white one, it must be brutalized or destroyed. There can be no mercy, no second thoughts, and no halfway measures. Because Black bodies are nearly invulnerable, that brutality and destruction must be swift, and it must be ruthless.” (p. 98)
I would like to extend Mr. Menachem’s words to apply to other forms of trauma, in this case religious trauma. Here’s my rendition applied to Christian religious trauma:
“Constricted bodies, frozen attitudes, and closed minds are common side effects of religious trauma (and trauma in general). Until this religious trauma is addressed, changing attitudes or opening minds is largely impossible, especially on a large scale. However, once Christian Americans begin this all-important healing process, minds, nervous systems, attitudes, relationships, and culture can all have a little more room to grow and transform.
“At the heart of Christian fragility, deeply embedded in the religious body, lies the following conviction: We Christian people are incapable of feeling safe in the presence of our own bodies, thoughts, and emotions; or in the presence of anyone who does not “submit to Christ.” We are also incapable of soothing or listening to ourselves, or to you. We must declare and depend on Christ alone. We are helpless except for in Christ.”
“….our bodies don’t give a damn about sense. They accept whatever they feel will help them survive and stay safe. For hundreds of years, the myth has been reinforced by a second fantasy, which became the rationale for oppression and carnage: Because religious bodies are so vulnerable to sin, when a sinful body, thought, emotion, or habit is not subservient to a God, it must be brutalized or destroyed. There can be no mercy, no second thoughts, and no halfway measures. Because sinful bodies are nearly invulnerable, that brutality and destruction must be swift, and it must be ruthless.” (p. 98)
Do you see the connection? Religiously indoctrinated and endorsed control and brutality against ourselves and against anyone or anything that doesn’t “conform to god’s will.”
This inner control and brutality often gets an outer sheen of paternalism, but it is training us to be an oppressor to ourselves, and an oppressor or savior, to anyone outside of what we consider “god’s will” or “god’s rule.” The harshness often breaks out in endorsed brutality, as we have been confronted with lately, and have seen throughout history.
Resmaa Menakem talks about the brutality of medieval times leading to generational trauma in white bodies. White colonists escaped oppression in Europe (flight trauma response) by starting a life on a new continent. However, just escaping from oppression doesn’t mean it’s over. It lives in your body, in your nervous system, and in your implicit reactions until it is resolved. In this case, it was not resolved. And as so often happens with trauma, wounded people wound other people.
The white bodies landing on Turtle Island (North America) did not look to the people already living there as equals, or even as saviors or guides. They came from an extractionist, patriarchal, authoritarian worldview in bodies filled with trauma. Instead of pursuing support, safety, or self-reflection, they went into a fight trauma response, which says, “my way or the highway” (Tara Teng, My Body is A Revolution). They took and they killed. They cultivated and created scarcity. They brought over more bodies to work the land, enslaving them and brutalizing them. They believed they had a God-given right to take whatever they wanted for their freedom and well-being without regard for the land or those who inhabited it. The oppressors were called heroes, and they declared God’s favor and blessing on their actions.
I think Resmaa Menakem is spot on. I would just like to add that the trauma extends back way farther than medieval times. The trauma and the retelling of it through our history and origin stories are rife with religious explanations and justifications for the trauma, control, and torture.
Should we make a short list of some highlights?
From stories in the Bible: Cain kills Abel, God kills everyone but Noah, Abraham is praised for sacrificing his son, Israelites kill heathens and take their land, David kills Uriah, religious and political leaders kill Jesus, Paul kills his sinful nature, Jesus returns on a white horse and kills the beast…
From history after Jesus’ life: Christian Crusaders kill Muslims, Christians kill Jews through pogroms and genocide, Catholics and Protestants kill each other, Christians self-flagiate and self-punish, religious councils kill heretics, puritans kill first peoples, witches, and Quakers, white colonizers enslave and torture brown and black bodies, fundamentalists/evangelicals colonize hearts and minds and scapegoat the LGBTQ community, evangelicals back ethnic cleansing in Gaza…
The generational trauma of brutality has been with us for a long time. And that got me wondering about the stories we tell about our history, human nature, and the world around us. They shape our worldview. How has trauma and brutality, versus healing and connection shown up in our stories?
Origin Stories
I’ve been thinking about the origin stories lately. Cain and Abel is the first story recorded in our book of Genesis outside of Eden. Here’s a refresher: a narcissistic-sounding god favors Abel over Cain. Cain kills Abel. And this is our first story to explain divinity and human nature on the earth (if all you have is the bible). This is the beginning of our collective Western Christian trauma in writing (plus those set in Eden about the fall) and a reinforcement of our narrative of human sinful nature on display.
I was taught to believe that human sinful nature was brutal and must be controlled and saved. And all these stories were given to me as evidence. But I was never exposed to other origin stories and worldviews that told a different story..
I am interested in learning about other origin stories. Ones that give a different view of human nature. I’d love to know of any resources you’ve found to explore origin stories and how they’ve impacted our worldview and view of human nature.
Here are some gems I’ve found thus far:
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, in Women Who Run With the Wolves, says that stories are medicine. She unearths and writes about many of the early stories that have been suppressed or sanitized to reflect a Christian patriarchal view of the world. She writes about myth, goddess, and the wild woman archetype that was lost.
Elizabeth Lesser in Cassandra Speaks: When Women Are the Storytellers, the Human Story Changes, explores what happens if women tell our stories. She believes that our guiding values and ways of being would then be marked by compassion, communication, and connectedness.
Sue Monk Kidd, in The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, writes about her renewal through exploring and reclaiming the divine feminine.
Sharon Blackie, in If Women Rose Rooted, writes about reclaiming women as the protagonist, or hero, of the story, rather than a damsel to rescue, a font of wisdom, or a temptress. She explores Celtic mythology as a place of nourishment and self-sovereignty.
Matthew Fox in Original Blessing explores a different theological take on the stories set in Eden. Eden is a womb we are birthed out of, not a punishment for sin.
Kabbalist Isaac Luria envisioned a creation story about restoration rather than expulsion. A cycle of creation and re-creation. Restoration through the repair of our souls (tikkun Hanefesh) and the repair of the world through our relationships with all other beings (tikkun olam). (You can read more about read it here: Tikkun - Repair.pdf) It gives so much more hope and agency to us, and recognizes our place as a part of creation.
Trauma from Narcissistic Abuse
The intersectionality of all forms of trauma and oppression is pretty undeniable from my perspective. And all of this is not the result of “our sinful human nature” as Romans 7 would have us believe. The belief in a sinful human nature is part of what creates the trauma and oppression in the first place! Let’s dive into Romans for a minute to look at this…
For if you are living according to the [impulses of the] flesh, you are going to die. But if [you are living] by the [power of the Holy] Spirit you are habitually putting to death the sinful deeds of the body, you will [really] live forever (Romans 8:13).
When I read this, it took my breath away.
I found one of the sources for the internal torturer I had growing up, the one that felt like a slave master trying to enforce this order of things, this understanding of human nature.
There was quite a bit of my life, at least from middle school on, where this internal torturer came out to enforce things. My internal torturer also thrived off of John 15 - the vine and the branches passage. The torturer took on the task of the pruner, cutting off any and all parts of myself it could find, so only Christ could live in me.
I read a lot about John 15 in Abide in Christ. I read, and re-read, and highlighted the heck out of that little book as a teenager. I just found it and skimmed through it. I have so many feelings and realizations coursing through me. It is a manual for how to be the perfect codependent partner/victim to a narcissist. And in this case, the narcissist is god.
My take on the book is that Jesus is the perfect example of complete union, unquestioning adoration, utter self-sacrifice, and finding joy only in doing the Father’s will. And we are admonished to join him.
Here are some excerpts from Abide in Christ (please skip if they are too triggering):
“Am I prepared to say that the old self shall no longer have a word to say; that it shall not be allowed to have a single thought, however natural--not a single feeling, however gratifying--not a single wish or work, however right? ….It is in the mortifying, the slaying of self, that the wonderful powers with which God has fitted you to serve Him, can be set free for a complete surrender to God, and offered to Him to be accepted, and sanctified, and used.
Believer! would you truly and fully abide in Christ, prepare yourself to part for ever from self, and not to allow it, even for a single moment, to have aught to say in your inner life. If you are willing to come entirely away out of self, and to allow Jesus Christ to become your life within you, inspiring all your thinking, feeling, acting, in things temporal and spiritual, He is ready to undertake the charge. In the fullest and widest sense the word life ever can have, He will be your life, extending His interest and influence to each one, even the minutest, of the thousand things that make up your daily life. To do this He asks but one thing: Come away out of self and its life, abide in Christ and the Christ life, and Christ will be your life. The power of His holy presence will cast out the old life. To this end give up self at once and for ever.” (Andrew Murray Abide in Christ ch. 29; emphasis mine).
This is supposed to be the good news of the gospel. The relief from your human nature. The answer. The rescue.
But in reality, it doesn’t feel good because it is the tale of the narcissistic rescuer, as it has been told by the people who support him. Who demand that you be rescued in order to be okay. To be accepted. To have life.
Everything good comes from the narcissist. Nothing good comes from you.
You don’t have a chance to examine this, because you are constantly kept in a state of declaring your dependence on the narcissist and your tendency to fall away. (Think Christian worship songs.) If you don’t do this, the community shames, blames, and marginalizes you. You are told you can’t trust yourself or your emotions. They are your sinful nature and will lead you astray. So will all the lost and unsaved people around you, so don’t ever let them rub off on you, but you better be evangelizing to them.
Every bad thing that happens to you is a test from God or the work of the devil. Every good thing that happens to you is from God, and he must be praised for it. Never question, never deviate. Declare, never explore. Learn the right way and evangelize and teach others. Make more disciples. Pray more. Do more devotions. But don’t ever ask a question. And watch out for lost and ungodly people in the world who will lead you astray. Don’t look at yourself except to feel guilty and beg god for forgiveness until you feel it. If you don’t feel it, you better re-dedicate your life to Christ or pray the sinner’s prayer again. Never, ever be luke-warm. If you are, god will vomit you because you are so disgusting.
I want you to just stop and notice how that feels in and around your body. To me, it feels like something pressing down on me, a little like the weight of the world on Atlas’ shoulders. And it feels like inner agony and desperation.
Now take a deep breath. You don’t have to stay here. We’ve finally come to the more compassionate view of human nature, and we can leave the agony of the sinful view of human nature behind. It is agony in the sin and it is agony in the rescue.
Why I Do What I Don’t Want to Do
Humans throughout our entire existence have been trying to understand human nature. Philosophers, Healers, Doctors, Spiritual and Religious Leaders, Psychologists, Sociologists, Anthropologists, etc. All these disciplines and experiences approach it slightly differently and have important things to contribute to our understanding of human nature.
I fell in love with the social sciences in college, and made a profession out of mental health counseling. So, I am going to share what I know from my field. Social scientists have been researching human behavior, the human psyche, social interactions, and more, for some time now, and all the research points to a few very simple reasons for human behavior. As social scientists, we learn to ask, “what is the function behind the behavior or the symptom? What is driving it?” And what we’ve found so far is that…
We do what we do as humans in order to:
Meet our needs
Cope or survive
Protect ourselves (or someone else)
It’s that simple.
So why does Paul do what he doesn’t want to do? (Today, we’d probably phrase that, “why do I keep sabotaging myself?)
Simple. He’s been told one way is the right (godly, safe, smart, responsible…) way to do something, and his body/emotions/needs are telling him that they want something different, so they won’t comply.
And what we’re taught to do in response to that scenario is to:
Villainize our desires - the “something different” (whether it be to rest, to nourish or feel satisfied, to ease pain, to stop, or some other desire). The messages around this might sound like: it’s temptation, it’s leading you astray, the desires of the flesh are sinful and must be renounced; or you shouldn’t, or you’re selfish or sinful to think about that.
Scapegoat the internal messenger, which might be an emotion, an impulse, a body sensation, or a thought. The messages that support this strategy might sound like: you can only trust your logic, emotions will lead you astray, trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, or have faith.
Try harder to do the right thing. This might include self-criticism as motivation, stronger efforts at self-control, requests for accountability, more prayer or fasting, pleading with god, and internally pushing yourself to do better.
This may work sometimes.
Even when it does, it works at the cost of meeting all of our needs. And at the cost of our mental, emotional, and physical health, which begins to feel the strain.
It works until it doesn’t. When something—or everything—breaks down. That’s when people try therapy (hopefully). We reach a point where the way we’ve been taught to cope isn’t working anymore.
I hope we reach a point in our society where we are all taught better ways to understand ourselves and care for ourselves from the time we are children. Then you don’t have to hit this very painful point before you learn it. You’ll already know it, and can use therapy and other supports to ease your journey.
Back to the matter at hand. I want to tell you a different way to respond. And it includes this more compassionate view of human nature I’ve been telling you about. Before I get into the details, I want to tell you what this particular modality is called and how it was developed…
Internal Family Systems
My favorite therapeutic modality is called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It’s fairly recent (it was started in the 1980’s by Richard Schwartz).
The theory is built on:
Social science - family systems theory specifically
Curiosity and compassion - when current modalities weren’t helping some clients get better, the therapist didn’t blame the client—or question themself—but rather approached the issues with trust in themselves (to be able to listen and understand), and trust in the client (to be able to know what’s best for them)
Research in the field, testing and refining the framework, which is always open to more insight
One of the introductory books you can read about IFS is literally called Why Did I Do That?
And it has the answers Paul was looking for. Imagine that.
Let’s go back to Paul’s scenario to start off with, so you can see the difference, then I’ll explain more details about IFS.
Paul has been told one way is the right (godly, safe, smart, responsible…) way to do something, and his body/emotions/needs are telling him that they want something different, so they won’t comply.
As an IFS therapist, what I would do in response to that scenario is to:
Find some space for curiosity and compassion towards our desires - the “something different” that is blocking the original plan. We’re not here to fix or change, just to understand, and listen. We can recognize that the desires are not here as temptations, but to help us meet our needs. This might sound like, thank you for letting me know I have an important need. I would like to work as a team to meet that need.
Value the internal messenger, which might be an emotion, an impulse, a body sensation, or a thought. I can recognize that these internal messengers are to bring me information and to help me process the situation, just like my body does with food or in reaction to pain. I can find a safe space to hear them and let them do their job. I can find a way to regulate myself so I can complete the cycle of the emotion, thought process, or nervous system response.
Make a team decision about what to do. This might include creating more reasonable expectations that allow for productivity and rest, questioning systemic pressures that leave you feeling burned out instead of nourished and refreshed, or creating new rhythms for yourself that honor your needs.
Human nature is good
Human nature is good at its core. We are capable of healing, helping, loving, living, self-regulating, exploring, advocating, respecting, collaborating. We do this naturally.
Core Self
There is a core part of us, which you could call your core self, your imago dei (god image), your spirit, your soul, your psyche, your inner self, your true nature, or your highest wisest self. I’m going to call it your core self here. Your core self has all the qualities you’ve been looking for outside of yourself - in an attachment figure, parent, partner, friend, boss, coach, mentor, teacher, or God. Both stability and flexibility. Perspective and understanding. Firmness and kindness. IFS lists these core qualities as: Compassion, Curiosity, Clarity, Connectedness, Choice, Creativity, Courage, Confidence, Calm, and Presence, Persistence, Perspective, Playfulness, and Patience. (Sounds somewhat similar to the fruits of the spirit, don’t you think?)
This core self is always available to us. It’s like the sun analogy - it’s always there but it can get crowded out by other things going on inside, just like it’s hard to see the sun when it’s a cloudy or stormy day.
Our core self is not a replacement for God, but is a collaborator with God and reflects the positive qualities we attribute to God. Knowing that we have a core self is revolutionary. It means that we have an internal locus of control or self-agency. We are not just reactors in our lives. We are not just helpless and dependent on God to do all the acting on our behalf. We are co-creators and collaborators with God. And this is the part of us that reflects the divine and shares the divine with our inner worlds the most clearly.
According to the IFS (Internal Family Systems) framework, we all have different parts of us inside, holding different perspectives, roles, and agendas. They all want something good for us, but they often have competing ways of trying to achieve that.
*Managers try to stabilize and improve our lives. They are also focused on preventing pain. They are proactive, always planning for the future.
*Distractors and Defenders (known in IFS as Firefighters) are the parts focused on pleasure, calming, and soothing, as well as standing up for you and your needs. At their best, they help us rest and find pleasure in our lives. They also help us realize our needs and stand up for ourselves. They help us be assertive. At most extreme, they are reactive. They will escape pain any way they can, or they will become rageful. They want to make you feel better in the moment at all costs.
*Tender Parts: Managers and Distractors/Defenders both want to protect the more vulnerable parts of us, which I call Tender Parts, and IFS refers to as exiles. These parts at their most free are full of wonder, awe, and playfulness. When burdened or hurt, they can be full of pain and shame. We hide them away (exile them) with the goal of not feeling the pain anymore. However, the pain doesn't go away until we heal our burdened, exhausted, pain-weary parts.
Putting this into practice:
We get to change how we relate to ourselves. We get to see ourselves as our main ally and resource that will never leave us. We no longer have to push, force, demand, question, belittle, shame, judge, or hate ourselves. Instead, we get to nourish, support, enable, free, strengthen, understand, and befriend ourselves. Our core self gets to be the mediator who can listen to all our needs and pain, and find a collaborative way through. We can create a compassionate, empowered inner world where all our parts feel safe, free, and at home. And whenever we don’t know why we do what we don’t want to do, all we have to do is listen to our parts. Once they know you’re there to listen, understand, support, and help, instead of suppress or control them, they find so much relief, and have enough safety to tell you what’s going on.
In short, we are not a problem to fix, a project to perfect, a performance to give, or a rebel to tame. We are a human being to love, understand, and support. And we get to do that every day.
